The following are raps people wrote about their “ways (not) to be”—the litanies of their shrunken selves. Part of spiritual practice is learning how we operate when we are not fully conscious; this process is detailed in two earlier blog posts titled “The Way Not To Be” and “Not the Way To Be.” These raps helped their authors gain clarity and nonattachment.
The Way (Not) To Be Rap 4…
If you want to see why I act the way I do,
I’ll tell you about my family and the coping that ensued….
Sister confused me with the bullies at her school,
So she used me as a voodoo doll and I accepted her abusive rule.
Mom: insecure, overwhelmed, barely could handle life.
Discouraged competence or anger, since that wouldn’t be polite.
Dad: a phony, con, trying to impress the rest,
Only likes people with problems so he can look the best.
No time for listening or true caring in the home,
At least they’re physically present! Who cares if you feel alone?
Nobody allowed to feel emotions, especially not anger or pain,
And if you’re unable to stuff it, just try alcohol or cocaine!
It’s all about looking nice and having funny stories to tell,
But if you bring attention to our own problems, well, you can go to hell.
Work? Discipline? Responsibility? What a burdensome, un-fun weight!
Better to wait till last minute, get off the hook and procrastinate.
It’s never our own fault, we’re always victims in this game
But if you absolutely need someone, there’s always me to blame!
“She’s so gullible she’ll believe the false accusing
She’ll never even ask what crime she did. It’ll be so amusing!”
Never feel good enough, kill yourself for their praise,
Parents would rather laugh and push you down than acknowledge your successes and coming of age.
Attention and value: only they could grant that to me,
Being independent or having my own voice was downright blasphemy.
They told me I didn’t count and that I was dumb and wrong,
I accepted that they always knew better and believed this for far too long.
I avoided bothering my bullies by agreeing and lying low,
Learned best way to get love and friends was to be a sweet, messy bozo.
People assumed I was a good friend and listener but honestly,
I’d just lose myself in others and gladly give them my agency.
So how did I cope you might ask? Why didn’t I explode with rage?
Other phonies told me I had a great life and family so I learned to love my cage.
I conflated healthy with addicted and caring with neglect,
I believed I had a normal family and never thought to check.
I took this worldview with me everywhere, since it felt cozy, right and good.
I project my family on others, plan their scripts and freak if they don’t speak as I think they should.
Never reality-tested to see if this wasn’t the way worldwide,
Just stayed in my head, listening to records of insults and delusions, remaining tightly tied.
Never letting myself feel the weight and reality of this sad status quo,
I instead covered my anger and sadness with a confusion- anxiety combo.
Even though I have incredible help to get over and out of this travesty,
I’m still addicted to the bar in my head, where I feel close to my family.
I pray I’ll get closer to seeing things as they really are,
And finally be truly positive and begin to heal the scars.
Shining the light on the hurt naturally hurts, it’s true,
But who would want to stay trapped in a lie rather than truly living with an honest, clear view?
The Way (Not) To Be Rap 5…
To be the way to be or not the way to be, that is the question
The answer depends on if I follow my Guru’s directions . . . Or not!
The way to be is overwhelmed, exhausted, and burdened
There is no rest or peace, but at least I get to feel important . . . Yay me!
I have no value, I don’t matter, and there’s no appreciation
To validate this truth, I take selfish tyrants on vacation . . . Best trip ever!
What’s really fun is self-negation so you can have whatever you want
And then I’m called a fake-ass bitch and thrown under the bus . . . Woo hoo!!
But I’m so caring, the parasite says—why then don’t they love me?
My subject’s attached to my object, so I’m blind, I cannot see clearly . . . I love the way to be!
I wake up feeling terrified and full of fear and dread
Then I spin the same old thoughts again and again as I process in my head . . . Might as well be dead.
Well, at least my daytime job’s high profile, and I know my role so well
I get to do your anger and feel like I’m in hell . . . It’s swell!
My nighttime job is even better; I get to be your slave
But I believe I am a hero; think they’ll put that on my grave? . . . No, it will say sucker!
I’ll fight your battles for you so you can shake your head and walk away
And say, “I don’t know what she’s talking about, I thought everything was okay”. . . Really? Wow!, You’re welcome!
So I plan my great escape and you call me an avoider
Then you build a higher wall and put me in the corner . . . Where I belong.
My motto is the best; you might wanna get this on tape:
“I suffer and sacrifice myself for everyone else and never get to escape”. . . Ain’t it great?!
And if you love a sucker, I’m your girl, the best and cheapest around town
I’ll do everything for you, you’ll treat me like nothing, then I’ll do it again . . . Ah, this is the life!!
Well, I’ve got news for you, the, stressed out sucker bitch and angry slave has had quite enough,
I’m on a mission to find peace, and if you don’t like it that’s tough! . . . Go fuck yourself!
The “way to be” is an awful way to be, so I’ll listen to my Guru and eventually be free!
The Way (Not) To Be Rap 6…
I’m lookin’ for some coattails
To tag along
Be taken for a ride
Where I won’t be strong.
I’m lookin’ for a daddy
Whom I’ll adore
He’ll preach and lecture
And supply the core.
I’m lookin’ for a way
To be super good
(I say please and thank you
And forgive me, too)
But your pain and hurt
Are way outta my ‘hood
It’s all about me
I got my thoughts to chew.
I’m lookin’ for some peace
In a mental fog
(Nothin’ to say, nothin’ to do)
Just sittin’ there mute
Like a bump on a log.
Someone please save me,
Tell me what to do
I can’t find my answers
Till I hear from you
You show me the answers
I don’t wanna know
That break apart
My own favorite show.
Not good, not bad,
Not happy or sad,
Whole thing’s made up
Poof! We’ve all been had.
You’ve brought me back
Again and again
To that one place
We’re all the same.
I want to stop lookin’
Through the face in the mirror
And settle on down
In a heart that’s clearer
It’s all about Love,
That’s what you say,
And thanks to you
I’ve finally found the way.
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