When Rohini wrote her “Spiritual Illiteracy” blog, I read it several times over before class. The class made me understand a few things. I realized that by trying to make this journey on my own I was not being self-sufficient but being incompetent. I was meditating, reading the blogs, and listening to the classes, thinking that was good enough and that I was using the tools Rohini gave me. I was neglecting the biggest tool of all, Rohini and her Love for us.
I had also been isolated. I had been fighting for so long in many ways, but the most recent and biggest struggle has been my fight with cancer. I figured that keeping that fight was keeping me alive, not realizing it was killing me quicker. I had been fighting with fear, not Love. I didn’t want to give it up for fear that if I gave up I would die, not realizing that if I give up, in turn I will be free to live.
We never showed much emotion in my family growing up, and it’s taken a long time for me to be able to open up and feel safe. Rohini has always made me feel safe, and being around her makes me feel alive. Rohini, David, their family, and the folks in the class have been behind my family and me always. I don’t think I could have made it this far without them. They are my family, and that means the world to me. I know they have my back, and will always take care of my family.
One day not long ago, my crew was out mulching in Rohini’s garden. I was feeling good that day and had a lot of fun, but Rohini knew something was going on with me. The day after the mulching, I got the devastating news that my cancer had woken up. Rohini had felt the vibration before I knew what was going on.
When I got the news, I called Rohini and we spoke. I didn’t call right away because I wanted to get my head around the bad news. I felt helpless and dark, but Rohini corrected me with a stern but loving voice, saying “Fraz, no, no, you don’t need to get your head around this. You need to feel this from your heart. You need to cry, and go home and cry with Julie.” We did, and the boys saw this and knew something was wrong.
I told Jesse my cancer was back. Wrong choice of words. Rohini explained to me that I should tell him my cancer woke up from being asleep. That hit me hard also. You see, my cancer has never left. It is and always will be in my body. I have stage four prostate cancer that has spread to my bones and to one of my lymph nodes. My treatment helps to slow or stop the cancer from spreading more—or, it puts my cancer to sleep.
In a recent class when we were going over Ian’s guest blog, David chimed in and said how he watches and listens to Rohini choosing her words very carefully for her blogs. A prime example of this is saying “awake from sleeping”, not “back”. That choice of words helped me explain my situation to Jesse again, the right way.
The Guru knows what we need and when we need it. Once again, the careful choice of words and timing. Not long ago, I went out to Rohini’s house to watch a crew take down a large tree. I was excited to see how they would do this, and looked forward to being there. But it was not about the tree. It was about the lesson, the timing, knowing what I needed, the well-chosen words spoken to me with true Love.
True Love, you feel it. I felt it again from Rohini as I broke down and went from darkness and hopelessness to feeling the Love and ability to live. But we need to want it and accept it and nurture it. I was feeling like giving up and dying, but Rohini opens the window for us to breathe in the Love she is so willing to give us. The things that happen to me in the teaching room, and just being around Rohini, are real. I know it. I have seen it, felt it in my heart. I am not saying this because I think I am special; it’s because I want what she is offering.
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