I miss Baba. I miss Baba’s form. I miss Baba’s laugh. I miss Baba’s speech. I miss Baba manifesting through Baba’s vehicles.
From everything Baba taught and shared, it is clear that he was focused on his Guru, Nityananda. The Self of All was Baba’s focus. Baba rested in the Heart, where God and Guru reside.
As for me, I loved all of Baba. So just the Shakti is not enough; I miss the container of that Shakti. I miss how that Shakti played with us through the form of Swami Muktananda.
The night Baba left is embedded in me. The sound of Om Namo Bhagavate slowly being chanted. The full moon brightly shining on the ashram. The unacceptable reality that Baba had left. The shock and disbelief being expressed through words and silence in the courtyard. I was determined to see Baba’s form one last time. My being seven months pregnant with Ian had some people afraid I would go into labor. “Don’t cry, don’t mourn, it will affect the baby,” they said. When I did see Baba, I did a full pranam. Baba’s body was still supple as he sat there in his house.
As the days went by and the reality seeped in, I found myself angry that he had departed and had left me lost without my focus, him. Baba had never encouraged me to do rituals; our relationship was based on the internal practice—keep driving in toward the Heart and resting there. This relationship was not abstract. The practice was not abstract. I loved practicing with Baba. I loved being in Baba’s presence and boring in to the Heart. So though the practice is internal, Baba and his form aided in its happening. With Baba, no matter what the play, what was being said or done, he was always still inside. So quiet, no vibration. Even when he manifested anger the stillness was always there.
The message was always the same: God dwells within you as you. Not as the shrunken self, but as You truly are. Baba was always speaking to the You, the sun and not the moon. The moon is our shrunken self that disappears and is enlivened only by the sun, our true Self.
Everything Baba did was a gift to all of us. So his mahasamādhi was a gift to all of us. Everything Baba did was a teaching, a removing of darkness to reveal the light. What was temporary left and what was permanent remained. Each of us is given the opportunity to experience what is permanent. Baba showed us over and over what was Real and what was going to fade.
So the more Rohini fades, the more Baba is here. The more we surrender our shrunken self, the more room there is for Love and Baba. Baba modeled this for us by sharing his love for his Guru, Nityananda.
Rohini fades by surrendering, by resting in the Heart. Rohini fades by being with her experience, letting whatever comes up from the experience come up, and functioning appropriately on the physical plane. In those moments when it is clear that Baba is walking in the garden or is in the meditation hall, when his presence is so strong, there is a knowing that all is right here in the world.