Baba loved me in ways I do not yet know. I say this because as I unmask me and continue down the path that Baba has shown me, what emerges is how much he has revealed to me the Truth, and how much I needed to give up my wrong understanding.
As a child and before I went to Baba, I was not good in what I call no-boundary zones. These are places where it is not safe. These are places where people “socialize”. I was not a player.
When telling lies I would burst out laughing, it was so awkward for me. And when others lied I would stare at them, incredulous that they were trying to put this over on anyone. Discomfort was a common experience for me in most social situations, because somewhere inside I knew everyone, including me, was trying to present a false narrative, a fake me, that everyone agrees to relate with.
And it got more awkward as I grew because I would be in situations where everyone wanted to play and I wanted people to be honest. I was the downer for everyone else. What was wrong with being how we were, openly? College brought me to testing the different zones. Was it sour grapes that I could not fit in, or were these venues just not for me? My experiences as president of my sorority pledge class, varsity cheerleader and cheerleader for the St Louis Cardinals were great laboratories. Along with Vietnam War protesting, I checked it all out.
Alas, I ended up back where I found refuge as a child: the dance studio. Not an easy retreat, but I preferred the confrontation with reality I had always found there to the unsafe environment of the no-boundary zone. In a dance studio there is reality testing. In a no-boundary zone there is no reality testing; everyone supports each other’s delusion.
|No boundary zone/ In crowd||Excluded|
|Betray yourself||Own person|
The Dance studios of Washington University in St Louis and later Mills College were continuous places to confront reality and grow. Then came Tai Chi Ch’uan, which brought an even deeper kind of confrontation and growth.
Finally, gracefully, Baba entered my life. There was such relief in the knowledge that finally there was someone directing my life who actually knew the Truth. Being in Baba’s presence showed me that there was so much for me to learn. There was so much that I knew I had to let go, and so much more to be let go that I was not aware of. I knew that there was someone who could and would guide me to Love, the Self, God.
Baba had me be head of security. He also had me spy on people. It was never that I would go out and look for infractions in the ashram dharma or people who were escaping or avoiding. Baba knew everything that went on in his ashram, even when people were so “sure” that he did not. Baba would tell me exactly where to go and what to look for.
Doing this always felt uncomfortable. And I knew people thought I was rigid and dangerous to the freedom and fun so many people wanted. Baba used me to break up no-boundary zones—places that were unconscious, undisciplined, tamasic and, from ashram standards, licentious. In reality, no one was committing heinous crimes, but the vibrations that motivated their behavior were hurting them and the ashram as a whole. The outward activities were really nothing from a worldly standpoint, but the underlying motivation, the vibration, was unhealthy for everyone.
The vibration of no-boundary zones, no matter how intense, can only produce activity within the level of restraint surrounding the zones. In the ashram we had intense restraint and restraints, so again, infractions were apparently minor, but Baba understood how those underlying vibrations, if left unchecked, could cause havoc for the person and anyone in close proximity.
When we are blind, we do not see how much or even whom we hurt. We do not realize that the vibration, not the action, is what usually causes the injury. Baba always wanted us to Love, but there is no Love in a no-boundary zone, no matter how innocent the actions we perform are. Whether we like it or not, we are all in community, so facing and stilling our vibrations is never just our own selfish project. The world community is really just us.
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